Mutation
by GabbyAbby
Summary: The world is upside down, twisting and turning and everything is just wrong. She was suppose to outlive you. Hameron. Daddy House
1. Lullaby and Goodnight

**Mutation**

**Thanks to: **RockinLizzy for editing this, you rock.

**A/N: **I don't own them, never will, let's leave it at that.

Chapter 1 Lullaby and Goodnight

She is so tiny in your bed, untidy red curls coming apart from a braid you tried so hard to do. Hugging a teddy-bear she made herself in one of those 'Build a Bear' stores and dressed up as a doctor. There is still the outline of tears down rosy cheeks as she stares at everything and nothing.

With eyes that are the most strange, most shocking, most beautiful anything you have ever seen, so far away from you that you don't know what your little girl is thinking about. And you can't do anything to help her, reach her, console her. Her little world has been destroyed and you have no idea what you are supposed to do now.

You sit on the bed, with her looking past you, and you want to know how much of this she understands. You want to know how to deal with this, with her, with everything.

You don't realize when you start crying, and it's just when she starts sobbing with you that you notice you're even doing it.

She hugs you and tells you to _please_ bring her Mommy back. She is still too small and you can't for the life of you take care of her the way Mommy did. She begs you and you don't know how to tell her it's impossible, you can't cure death.

You break at that moment because no matter how much the words hurt, they are so true, you were always somewhere else in the last couple of years, and you only really remember your baby daughter, the one you spend all your time with. This broken child, who is so miniscule you're afraid she'll break, is foreign to you.

You wish you knew her favorite food, favorite book, her favorite anything, because she needs something familiar right now and you have no idea what would be.

She is so tiny when you hug her back, when you whisper over and over that you're sorry, that this was never suppose have to happen.

Then you look into her eyes and you're lost, because there if front of you is your broken child and you can fix her. You've fixed so many people, ones who were dying of things no one else could figure out, but you. But here she is, your daughter, seven and scared, and you have no idea of what to do.

Her eyes are amazing as you stare into them, because they are half yours and half her mother's. You never understood why this mutation had happened to her in particular, with her left eye such an intense blue and the other that passionate green/gray of her mothers.

Your daughter cries with mismatched eyes because now she is lost in this world too.

**---**

**Please review.**

_**GabbyAbby**_


	2. In the Land of Make Believe

**Mutations **

**A/N: **Don't own them, obvious isn't it?

Chapter 2 In the Land of Make Believe 

----

The day you brought her home you were afraid she was going to break. She was so small and it wasn't uncommon because she had arrived four weeks early. You remember Allison laughed when your daughter cried for the first time and whispered that she was as stubborn as you, neither of you could wait to get anywhere.

You feel in love with her the moment you saw her, because she was the most perfect and beautiful thing you could have ever made.

You had held your daughter in the hospital, as your friends (really just Cuddy and Wilson) and her friends, her parents and your mother had crossed through the doors to have a look at this little creature you helped make.

You promised her you would be a better father to her than your father was to you. You saw the tears in your mother's eyes when you said it, and it almost broke you to have eyes so much like your own that hurt. But she didn't say anything about it and kissed the top of your daughter's messy red hair before leaving.

But when you arrived home you were so scared because it was real, she was your responsibility, because her life mattered more than anything else in the world, and you remember it was an awful feeling as you had no practice in taking care of anyone else.

Allison was tired and she said she would take care of the baby if you wanted her too, but you saw it in her eyes that she needed to take a nap, so you let her.

Your daughter was so small and delicate and yawned when you held her close to your chest; you remember smiling at her because for the first time you noticed the slight difference between her eyes.

---

You wake up crying with no tears because there doesn't seem to be any left inside your body. You want to cry, to die, to do something that will make all this easier in your daughter, because she can't function and you don't know how to break this fairytale land she's locked herself into.

Last night she sat in front of a wall smiling and laughing and for a moment you thought that she was okay, but a _thank you_ slipped her lips leaving behind the ghost of dimples you haven't seen in days, and you realized she thought she was talking to her mother.

How could you break her imaginary world? Bring her back to a place she'll only get hurt in?

Make her believe that today is going to be the last time both of you will see your wife's body. That's all that's left of her.

Your wife, your petit gentle eyed wife who thought she could cure the world. The one who cured you, who finally after years of grievance made you happy. The one that for a time meant the world to you and you would have done anything for her if she would only ask.

She smiles at you from across the room, in a moment forever sealed in time in a picture she loved so much. She's with your daughter, who was about three then, with wide eyes that look even more spectacular in black and white. Their waving with smiles and white dresses and you wish you could have been there. You don't remember why you weren't.

**----- **

**I'll go more into their life together as the story goes on. I hope everyone enjoys it. **

**Please review. **

**_GabbyAbby_**


	3. Breathing in Sequence

**Mutations**

**Chapter 3 Breathing in Sequence**

You remember the first time Allison walked through the door of your office. You were tired and annoyed because you really didn't want to hire another fellow; it took too long to break anyone in. Besides Chase was enough of an idiot to have around.

Wilson picked out the applications from a pile too high to to really be applicants who wanted to work for you.

You had already sent five crying young doctors home. You were going for a new record when she walked in with a confident smile and comfortable heels. She looked directly into your eyes, extended her hand, and presented herself. It was at that moment, that you first thought she was going to change something, anything, you.

She was beautiful, more than any of the others who had passed through your door in the last week. You pretend to pay attention to whatever it was she was saying, but it is harder than it normally because her eyes kept changing colors on you as she talked.

You had memorized her file (something you did with everyone who applied, mostly to make fun of their credentials) and you knew she wasn't anything special. Not then anyway. But you also knew she could be. Because you already knew that she went against everything you had spend your whole life beliving in.

When she got up you got a great view of her backside and she turned to look at you with a smirk. The words 'you are hired' were out of your lips and to this day you swear she gave a little more wiggle than necessary when walking out.

It was that day that changed everything, you just wish you had known it then.

---

You wish it was raining, she deserves a dramatic send off. But it's a pleasant enough spring day and there are more people around you than you care to notice.

Wilson is looking back and forth between you and your daughter, playing a game of ping pong with his eyes and you are getting sick of it. You don't want anyone's pity; you just want your wife back.

Your daughter decided long before the ceremony began that she wasn't going to pay attention. She has her delicate, little face shoved against your good side, little fingers twirling the material of your pants. You stroke her hair, little curls of silk between your fingers as she quietly cries against you and you can feel your skin wet underneath her tears. Your iPod blasts on her ears, repeating the same song over and over because you knew it was her mother's favorite so you programed this little piece of something familiar for her.

You close your eyes and hum it, you remember this song, the one you countless of times had caught your wife dancing to when she thought you weren't watching. You thought it was silly back then.

You don't think about the scene going on in front of you, all you can bring yourself to care about is light little sobs you haven't heard stop in days. You think that maybe it would be better if she went to spend a few weeks at her grandparents; anyone is better equipped to handle her than you are.

Wilson is touching your shoulder and that is what breaks your moment of quiet, fear, and solitude. The sea of different shades of black is moving besides you, giving you condolences and touching your daughter's cheek, her hair, the little hem of her sleeves. She presses more and more against you, trying to escape the same things you are. You put a protective arm around her back, announcing in a voice not quiet your own that she is not ready for this right now.

The wind picks up a bit and you smell a combination of flowers. The sweet scents mix into a horrible smell that makes you want to turn around, run, hide.

Wilson was the last one to leave. You take a shaky breath before slowly sinking down on the freshly cut grass and lowering your daughter to your lap, pulling white headphones away from her and you kiss her bangs and cherry cheeks.

"Mommy is gone now" she says because this is final; there is no coming back now.

You nod, push curls from her face as the ponytail you did starts to come apart. Everything you've tried to do for her in the last week has been coming apart, slowly, strand by strand until everythingis an uncontrollable pile of curls.

You look at your wife's coffin, smell freshly turned earth and flowers. And you are still praying that all of this is just a dream.

­­-------

Sorry this took so long.

Finals and computer problems have been keeping me from writing.

Please review.


	4. It´s Better If You Do

**Mutations **

**Chapter 4**** It's Better If You Do**

The first time she quit you thought you could handle it. She was just someone who was there to make coffee and check your mail, nothing more, nothing less.

But that night you sat in front of your piano and your fingers refused to play a single note of anything that didn't in some way remind you of her.

You didn't hear the knock at first, it was so soft against the wooden door that you thought maybe it was someone visiting your neighbor, but the second one came close after it and there was no ignoring it then.

You don't remember what time it was, how long you had been up, how much of your scotch was drunk. But you remember what she was wearing, black pencil pants and a blue sweater, and you remember that there was the slightest pink around her eyes. You sometimes wonder if you were the only one who noticed she had been crying.

She stepped into your apartment, gray eyes looking around at everything that wasn't you. She explained her reasoning, that if she quit it would be easier for everyone then she extended her hand, so slowly, and you knew she was hesitating; she didn't want to leave just then.

You stood there, looking back and forth between gray eyes and cold fingers and you wanted to pull her to you, kiss her, tell her there would be other ways. But all of that sounded so absurd to your own ears that you didn't dare say it out loud.

She was your employee, nothing else.

You don't know what you said to her, you weren't thinking properly at the time, but you know she left because the next moment all you remember is your piano and a light sent of her still left there, by your door.

Wilson has time and time again told you that after that you changed somewhat, you were more of a jerk for no reason and it wasn't just because Vogler had finally won. You weren't as happy as you should have been when he finally left, and during the interviews for a new doctor all you could think about was how they would never be as naïve as her, that none of them would seem so sweet one moment before exploding in your face the next.

She had been reading when you knocked on her door, you could tell because she had rubbed her eyes from the irritation left by wearing glasses for so long. You told her you wanted her back, and she gave you her condition.

Somehow you always knew it was a good thing you accepted it.

--------------------------------------------------

"I'm not going!" your daughter yells at you from the other side of the hallway, red cheeks and angled eyes.

She is pacing between you and the end of the hallway barefooted; something her mother had always done because she had known it drove you insane.

"It's for the best sweetie" she has to understand this, because you can't deal with her yet.

She shakes her head, a red hallow around a pale face that is still too young to understand everything that is going on. "Please Daddy" she begs and you want to turn away because she will win you over in no time.

Her eyes are looking at you like you threw her away and your heart is breaking inside.

"You have to go honey, Grandma needs you right now"

"But I want to stay here, with you!" she runs towards you, almost falling because her hair is covering her eyes, and you take a steep back.

"Daddy needs to deal with some grown up things right now" you can't look at her, not when she is the splitting image of her mother, begging you to take her in your arms and keep her safe.

"Daddy.." you pick her up and she hugs you with everything she has in her little body "please"

_Don't let her go._

You hug her with your back against the wall because it's the only way you can balance when you hold her. Her little knees, one on each side of you, scrapped from when she feel after running two weeks ago, they tell you that she still needs your protection.

"You'll understand this when your older" you hate yourself for saying this, because it's what your father always told you asked why you were being punished.

She is limp in your arms for a second and you feel her cold tears against your neck.

"Fine" she whispers and you can't put her down. You can't let her go, not yet.

But she can't stay either.

She closes the door of her room; the wooden letters painted in white and blue spelling her name shake slightly.

Now you've lost her too.

**-------------**

**Tbc**

**Sorry it's taking me long to update. I'm in Brazil and it's not all the time I get to enjoy the computer. **

**But please leave a review and I'll try to get as many chapters in as I can. **

_**GabbyAbby**_


	5. Daddy's Little Girl

**Mutations**

**Chapter 5 Daddy´s Little Girl**

The only book Allison was able to finish throughout her pregnancy was ´Pride and Prejudice´.

You remember because you were forced to read it out loud to her after a thousand jokes about her sudden gain of ADD. Ever since her fourth month, she couldn't get a quarter of the way into any book and it brought you hours of entertainment asking her what the new book was about. She would always blame it on the baby, saying it wasn't her fault the little girl was becoming as impatient as her father.

So after a fit from her and a couple of days sleeping on a very uncomfortable couch, you decided that you would read any book she wanted out loud to her. When she told you her choice you groaned and began reading in the most monotone voice you could find. Not because you didn't like the book, but because sometimes seeing Allison Cameron annoyed brightened up your day.

She would always give you a look you were sure would kill you, not because of how hard she glared, but because you were sure she would snap and eventually throw something very solid into your direction.

You were almost done with the book when she told you she had come up with the perfect name. She smiled when you asked which one and told you "Elizabeth".

You shrugged your shoulders, not because you hadn't liked the name, but she had been changing her mind about what to name your daughter almost weekly.

But when two weeks later she still hadn't changed her mind, you looked at her during dinner and said "Lizzy, huh?"

You laughed at the face she made, and she explained that that was absolutely the worse nickname a child could have. When you pointed out it was the most commonly used nickname for Elizabeth she just shook her head and rubbed her swollen tummy and told you to call her "Beth".

----------------------

You can't stand to look at your daughter from the rearview mirror, because she is looking outside the window with tear stains still down her cheeks.

"Beth" you say her name in a tone you hope will explain everything, but she is still too small to understand why her Daddy hasn't been able to look at her for more than necessary in the last week.

She makes a little noise and crosses her arms. You sometimes can't believe just how much she is like you. On the outside she´s all Allison, but the way her little face scrunches up when she is mad is all you. She is so impatient, because she wants everything to work out how she planned it. You almost smile at her stubbornness.

"You´ll be back before you know it," you say, trying to convince yourself morethan her.

"I hate you" she whispers with every inch of you she has in her.

"Sweetie..." you sigh; you were waiting for her to say that. And even though you know she doesn't mean it, that she is just angry right now, it hurts more than anything to hear those words from her.

"I do! You don't want me anymore so I hate you!" she looks at you and through the mirror you can see how serious her face is. Her mismatched eyes are shinning with tears and even more different from one another now that she's mad.

You pull over on the side of the road; you know it's wrong to be sending her away and that she has every right to be angry with you because of it. But you can't let her think you don't love her.

"Beth, I never said I didn't want you anymore," you turn around in your seat and it surprises you at how much your leg hurts from twisting your body like that.

"But you do!" she is crying again and trying to wipe the tears away with the sleeve of her sweater. You hate yourself right now for turning into your father.

"Lizzy, please don't say that" you beg her and she glares at you through her tears.

"Mommy didn't like anyone calling me that"

"But it was always our little secret remember?" you smile slightly; because she use to giggle every time you called her by her special nickname. Allison would always roll her eyes and ask you to please not call her that.

"I don't care!" she is starting to hiccup and her words are getting bunched up because her nose is starting to run and her little face is turning red "I wish you had died instead of Mommy" she says it so low that you barely catch it, but you do and tears sting your eyes.

Because you wish that too.

You turn around and the rest of the drive to the airport is silent, with only the remainder of your daughter´s tears to fill the space inside the car.

"Tell Grandma to call me the moment you get there, kay?" you are on one knee and its killing your right leg, but you want to be at eye level with your daughter while you say good-bye. She just looks down at the marble floor and nods, and you know she doesn't know what else to do.

"Honey..." You stroke her hair away from her face, her curls more wild than ever because you still haven't gotten just how to do those braids she loves to wear.

"I´ll really be back soon?" she asks in a small voice that you never heard her use before.

"Yeah... Grandma just really needs you right now. ´Cause she misses Mommy as much as we do, and she´s all alone without Grandpa" you try to smile when Elizabeth looks up at you begging you to be telling the truth.

"Okay" You hug her tight and she hugs you back, little arms clinging to you and you stand up and almost fall back because you could never really balance right when you hold her, but she helps you by crossing her little legs around your torso so you only have to hold onto her with one arm.

It's always at times like this that you hate that the only way you can get around is with your cane.

The flight attendant smiles at your daughter and you hear the little gasp she emits when Elizabeth looks up at her. People generally do that after the first time they see her eyes.

You kiss your daughter good-bye and tell her to be a good girl. You hand her the teddy-bear you've been holding and almost cry when she says "Bye Daddy" and is taken away, because the plane will be leaving soon.

You stand there and you wish you could say it was the right thing to do.

---

The next one will be up soon. Sorry it took this long, but I have most of the new one worked out.

Please review.

GabbyAbby


	6. A Future Living in the Past

**Mutations**

**Chapter 6 A Future Living in the Past**

When you get home, the first thing you do is wish you knew just where Allison hid the key to the liquor cabinet. She locked it up three years ago because she was scared that your daughter might get into it.

You are too tired to go out again and buy yourself any form of alcoholic drink, but you need something to keep your mind off the fact that your house is just too silent now. The silence hurts more than any of the tears you saw your daughter spill, because at least then you could have held on to her and pretended that someday you two would be able to move on.

And it hits you now that she is all alone, on the way to Minnesota. You should have gone with her, because she is scared of airplanes. It is your job now to make sure she isn't paying attention to how high the plane is, and how many strangers are around her. But you are here, sitting on your couch and feeling sorry for yourself, because you are the worse father in history.

You rake your fingers through your hair, and it does nothing to help with the headache that's starting on your frontal lobe.

You miss you daughter. You miss your wife.

Now they are both gone and you have no one. You never really got use to being alone, even if you pretended for all those years that you didn't need anyone, there was always someone there. Wilson, Cuddy, Steve.

But now you are alone, with only the whispers of memories around you.

There's a picture of you and Allison on your wedding day sitting on top of your piano.

Allison had never been more beautiful, and you don't remember if you told her. You should have repeated it over and over, until she was sick of hearing it.

You had been nervous, tapping your cane none-stop in an effort to both calm your nerves and irritate Jimmy, there weren't many people around, family and close friends. Because she had already done the whole church, big dress, sort of wedding. And you were never good with crowds.

Then your two and a half year old daughter walked in, stumbling through the material of her floor length white dress, the green sash for that moment still in place and ringlets of red hair down her back. You laugh at the memory of her throwing down the basket of petals and marching her two-year-old self down the aisle to stand by you and glaring at her aunt for telling her she needed to scatter the petals and not just hold the basket.

You stroked her hair and she smiled up at you after you told her she didn't need to take her assigned seat. The music changed, to a song everyone knew too well meant that the blushing bride was coming, your breath had caught on your throat and you tensed up. It had taken you a long time to go through with this wedding idea, and the knot on your stomach hadn't done anything to help your nerves. You are sure the world stopped the moment Allison appeared.

She wore a dress that hugged her figure perfectly, sleeveless because of the pleasant spring weather, with different shades of green ribbons crisscrossing around her waist. Her hair had been up, twisted in the back of her head and being held together by lilies because they had been her favorite flowers. Just a few curls fell around her face.

Jimmy probably got a bruise after you hit him with your cane for letting out that whispered 'Wow'. But there really hadn't been many words to explain just how beautiful she looked.

Then, against what she had been told at the many rehearsals, Elizabeth ran down to her mother. Extended her arms and with twinkling eyes begged to be picked up. You chuckled and Allison could do nothing but comply, because your daughter always had a way of having everything go her way.

Allison walked down the aisle with your daughter in one arm, hugging her with her face snuggled against her mother's shoulder, and her other arm taken by her dad. You remember he laughed all the day till they reached you.

You can't stop the tears as they race their ways down your check, dropping in silent puddles on the protective glass of the wedding photograph.

When the phone rings, you realize just how long you have been sitting on your couch, with a picture in your hand, thinking of everything you lost.

"Daddy?" Elizabeth's voice comes as the most comforting thing in the world and you realize you need to have her back.

"Hey baby. How was your flight?" you try to hide everything in your voice, try make it seem as if you haven't spend the afternoon crying on your couch.

"It was scary… there was turbalence" she says, with a question at the word because even she knows it was mispronounced. You smile at the picture still in your hand.

"I'm sorry. But you were okay right?"

"Yeah. Grandma was happy to see me. She says I look more like Mommy than ever" she says through the phone, and you can picture her sitting on the window seat of the living room, teddy-bear in hand, resting her head against the glass and watching the rain you can hear through the phone.

There's a silence for a moment, because you both know just how much like her mother she looks. But also just how much she is like you.

"I love you Daddy" she says suddenly and you start to cry again.

"I love you too, baby" you try to hide your tears, cover your mouth because she doesn't need to have your problems on top of her as well.

----------------------

Thanks to the wonderful RockinLizzy!

All for now, hope you enjoyed it.

More chapters coming soon… I hope.

GabbyAbby


	7. Look Me in the Eye

**Mutations**

**By:** GabbyAbby

**Beta: **RockinLizzy

Chapter 7 Look Me in the Eye

It was way past two in the morning when you finally got around to going to sleep. You kept waking up to go check on your daughter, just to be smacked in the face by the empty bed two doors down. She isn't there anymore. And it's your fault entirely. But you would swear on your Mustang that you heard her crying out for you at least twice.

You get up in the morning to a jolt of pain that makes you sit up faster than you normally would and you have to give yourself a moment to let the room stop spinning. With your eyes still closed you reach over for the orange pill bottle you left on your nightstand and pop two in to your mouth without even thinking. You lift your leg up to help it turn to the edge of the bed and realize that this little bottle has never been outside the locked drawer on your nightstand.

You were always scared that your daughter might try to open it, because she might try to take one while copying what her daddy does daily, and that thought had always terrified you more than anything.

The fact that you were careless enough to leave it outside the drawer (even though you are aware that she is mile and miles away), makes you think that in some subconscious part you are already letting her go. And that is not fair, because you haven't learned anything about the girl she is going to grow into.

So you hide the pills inside the small safe in the back of your closet, setting the bottle by a velvet box you that you can't remember what's doing there. It's a small sense of relief when you are not holding the pill bottle anymore and you go through your morning routine as always, but in the back of your mind you know that you won't be able to stand the pain long without their help, because no matter how much rehab eventually helped, you can never live completely without them.

You can feel Cuddy's eyes questioning you as you pass the Clinic, but you continue towards the elevators. You can't stand the 'I'm sorry' eyes everyone is giving you. None of them can be as sorry as you are. They weren't the ones to lose their only hold on reality.

Your fellows are waist deep in patient histories and possible diagnoses when you open the door to your office and they don't notice you are there until they hear the shutters close. Emery is the first one inside your office, with big puppy eyes and hair in wild strands because she was curling and uncurling it with her fingers while she read.

"Dr. House.." she starts but you hold a hand up, you don't want or need anyone right now.

You know you could have all the peace and quiet inside your house, but then you would be seeing a little bit of Allison everywhere. The noise of the hospital had always helped you calm down and think. Here you know exactly what can happens and why.

She looks down leaves the room and you can almost feel Larson stretching his neck as far as it will go, trying to look into your office. You are almost thankful to Brown, who slams a file in front of his colleague to get his attention back into the case, and away from your personal life.

With your iPod in your ears and PSP in your hands, it's almost like nothing ever changed, but the gleam of your wedding ring every time you turn your hand just so brings up everything you came here to forget.

Because she would always give you a call and ask what time would you be home for dinner, and all you remember hearing her laugh half muffled but still beautiful through the phone, because of your new ducklings idiocy or something you were hinting at wanting when you got home.

And you remember getting home to her smile, even though she was exhausted from a full day at work and then coming home to tending to whatever your daughter needed. She would give you a quick kiss of the lips and you would call her a tease, she would leave to the kitchen with a wiggle in her step and a wink in to your direction as she rounded the corner.

"I thought you weren't suppose to come back for another two weeks" Wilson says, and you can hear the concern in his voice, though he is trying to act as casual as always.

"They would have a heart attack without me here" you nudge in the direction of the conference room where they are still pacing back and forth, while trying to get a look into your office.

Wilson lifts an eyebrow and you both know you are lying through your teeth, but you can tell that he is going to let you get away with it. He always does.

"How's Beth?" he asks, trying to change the topic.

"With her grandmother" you try to sound unaffected. You know you don't succeed because there is a slight burn in your eyes from all the tears you have been holding back, threatening to fall.

"You sent her away?" he sounds as angry and confused as you expected him to, because you want to beat yourself up too.

"I can't take care of her Jimmy"

"You are her father! You're suppose to make this easier on her!" he's standing up now, hands flat against the glass of your desk. "You're the one she would always come to crying because something happened to her at school, what makes you think this is something that simple that you can just brush off?"

"She'll be fine over there" you don't know who you are trying to convince more.

"What happened to her being your little partner in crime?" he asks and you look away, because all you can think of is the times when you would bring her into work with you, when you would convince her to help you with your pranks because no one could be mad at her, especially since you had helped her perfect her 'I'm sorry' face.

"You really think this is what Allison would have wanted?" you flinch, because that hurt more than you wanted it to.

"She also didn't want to die in a stupid car accident."

--

Sorry for the late update, more should be coming soon. Please review.

GabbyAbby


	8. Breathe, Just Breathe

**Mutations**

**By:** GabbyAbby

**Beta: **Kelly, thank you so much!!

Chapter 8 Breathe, Just Breathe

"I just didn't know what to do! We couldn't both just sit there staring at each other, waiting for the other one to do something," you explain a few moments later. It's the only thing you can blame your actions on. "She needed someone who would take care of her… I just couldn't do that...not right now."

Wilson shakes his head; he doesn't believe what you're saying. It would be more convincing if you could tell yourself it was really the truth.

But you can't stop picturing your daughter, sitting on the bed, legs crossed and staring off into space, because at that moment she had looked more like her mother than ever, and you just couldn't handle it. You couldn't look at her and not wish she were someone else. You can't look in to her eyes and not see everything that was Allison.

"She deserves a chance House."

"She deserves to have her mother back!"

You look away; you want to push away the memories of that morning.

They were laughing at a private joke when you came down for breakfast, your daughter's eyes didn't stop twinkling with mischief and you raised a brow at your wife. You told them you wanted no part in it, and felt hurt that you weren't included in the first place. Allison laughed, and crossed the kitchen with a spatula in hand to give you a kiss. If you had known it would be the last one you might have appreciated it more, might have pulled her into your lap and held her tight. You wouldn't have argued with her that morning.

You would have driven your daughter to school, like you were supposed to, like you had promised. But the only thing you could think about was the puzzle that waited for you at work. It was more important than making your wife mess up her whole schedule to drop of your daughter at school, to make her rush. To leave her at that light, with a speeding kid heading her way in an attempt to escape some cop.

It should have been you at that red light.

The tears are warm at first, only to turn cold as they flow. Suddenly you can't stop them, all the tears that you had been holding back since the moment you decided to send your daughter away, the ones you hadn't shed since the moment that the Officer had shown up on your doorstep. He had taken a deep breath and asked if you were in fact Mr. House.

You had corrected him with slight sarcasm, "Dr. House. If you want to annoy me at this hour try to at least get the identity right." You should have been nicer; you should have let all the compassion he was showing you, with your wife's driver-license and address in a clipboard.

"It's my fault Jimmy. How can I look at my own kid and know that I killed her mom?"

"If I had only…" and it's the first time you can't find the right words to describe something.

"House…" he's still mad, you can tell by how his voice is unsure if you're doing all of this to make him shut up, or because you really can't stand what's going on in your life anymore.

You can't help the sob you let go when his hand is at your shoulder, because everyone has been trying to help in any way possible but you have no idea how to let anyone help you anymore. Because these last few years, it was Allison who listened to all your crap. She was the one always there for you when something, anything went wrong.

"She was finally getting better. She was starting to let go of Lilly…" and for a moment you can't breathe, the only thing that crosses your mind is that this was just one more way you had let Allison down.

------

**Please leave a review… the more reviews the happier I get, and the more inspiration I have to write new chapters!**

**GabbyAbby**


	9. Girl with Kaleidoscope Eyes

**Mutations**

**Chapter 9 Girl with Kaleidoscope Eyes**

"How's she doing?" you ask, eyes on the ceiling of your kitchen while you try to balance the phone between your shoulder and chin.

"She's been doing okay. A little quiet, but she's handling everything fine in her own way."

The gold-brown liquid makes a swish noise as you pour it into a glass, temptation at its best in a crystal glass.

You let your fingers trace the rim of the glass, trying to decide if you are going to drink it or not.

"Has she been talking about Allison?" the words sound almost chocked as they come out because it's as hard for you to ask the question as it is for your mother-in-law to hear it. You can tell by her sharp intake of breathe and the silence that can only mean she's looking at one of Allison's old pictures. You would bet that it's the one on the mantel, the one taken at Allison's High School graduation. It is Jen's favorite; no matter how many times Allison tried to convince her it was absolutely ridiculous.

"She knows Ally isn't coming back. She understands that, but sometimes…. sometimes it's as if it doesn't really affect her," Jen sounds as worried as you feel, because the doctor in you knows your daughter shouldn't be acting like this, she should be grieving her mom. But then you can't blame her, because you have been doing everything possible in this last month to think about everything but Allison.

You can hear the soft sobs coming from the other end of the line, the ones your mother-in-law isn't doing anything to hide, except maybe slightly covering her mouth. Your first impulse is to just hang-up; you were never good with handling anyone crying. But you stay on the line, staring at your glass of whiskey as if it's suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.

But your eyes wonder across the kitchen, across the countertop, dark stained cabinets and stainless steel appliances. The date and time are shinning at you from the second door of the refrigerator. You close your eyes for a second, remembering the reason you called in the first place.

"Was she alright today?" you ask, trying to sound as comforting as possible to your mother-in-law's sobs.

"Yes, she was quiet and didn't really want to talk most of the day, but…Oh God, I'm so sorry Greg! I completely forgot what today was."

You don't blame her for forgetting, it has been crazy for the last few weeks and you didn't remember till lunchtime, when Wilson asked you if you needed someone to drive you to the cemetery.

"Can you put Beth on please?"

"Yes… I'm sorry."

You nod, though you know she can't see it and wait after you hear her faint voice calling your daughter.

You drown half the glass before she answers. You need to keep your mind away from everything that has been bothering you lately. You need to be strong for your daughter.

"Daddy!" her voice sounds different, like maybe she has already changed so much in this one month you haven't been around.

"Hey baby," you can't help but to smile slightly, it happens every time you talk to her, because you start to want her back.

"I learned to braid my own hair, I just have to get the knotting right," she's been doing this for the last few weeks. Every time you talk to her she tells you of something new she's learned. How to make pigtails, make her own bed, pack her own lunch. And you think that somehow she's gotten into her head that if she can take care of herself you'll bring her back, because the reason she thinks you sent her away is because you didn't have the time to take care of her and yourself.

You can feel the tears in your eyes. You should have never let her think that you didn't want to take care of her. "And I was just getting the hang of it," you try to make it sound like a joke. But you are pleading that she still needs you somehow.

------

**Please review.**

**GabbyAbby**


	10. Up is Down

**Mutations**

**Chapter 10 Up is Down**

"Did you buy daisies?" she asks softly, in such a whisper that it makes you feel like she wants this to be a secret. You smile lightly, because she's trying to make you feel like you haven't lost her yet.

"Daisies?" you ask, confused at her sudden change of topic.

"For Lydie. Mommy used to always bring her daisies."

"Did she?" for a moment you feel guilty, because you think you should know this. You shouldn't have just brushed everything that had to do with Lilly away because you couldn't handle the fact that she was gone. You were never able to fully believe that it wasn't your fault, that you could have prevented it if you only gone and checked on her half an hour earlier.

"Yeah, she said that lilies would only give you ideas. It would encourage you," you can hear her giggle lightly and it makes you shake your head.

"Mommy was always just jealous that I got to have special nicknames and she didn't."

Both of you are quiet for a moment and you are trying to get a hold of yourself, you can feel that she is trying to find a way to ask a question she doesn't know how to word properly.

"Daddy?" she finally says and you hold on to the counter.

"Yes baby?" this is it; you rattle your brain for an answer though you still don't know the question.

"Is Mommy in heaven?"

You knew she was going to ask something that would be hard to answer, but you had no idea it would be this. You can feel her eyes staring at you even though she is miles away, waiting for you to answer because you're her daddy and you're supposed to know everything.

But you don't know how to answer her, what are you supposed to tell your daughter that will comfort her when you don't believe in the object of the question.

So you do what you are best at, you run away from it by hanging up on your daughter with some sort of excuse you don't remember.

You were always the winner at disappointing people.

-------------------

Cuddy's hand on your shoulder makes you jump slightly, she wasn't supposed to have found out already. You haven't come up with a reason as to why you messed up this time.

"House," she says your name carefully, trying to make you understand through the hand on your shoulder and her soft voice that she really didn't want to punish you this time.

"The board and I have decided that maybe you should start seeing a psychiatrist," she says the words slowly, and though her hand is still on your shoulder giving you a slight squeeze she moves away a bit. You don't blame her; you've been exploding at just about everyone lately.

"I was so sure…" you don't look at her, looking at her would mean that you really did mess up, that you almost killed your patient with the wrong medication because you were too distracted to pay attention to the history. How could you forget she was allergic to penicillin?

"House I know that you have a lot going on right now and I've tried to cut you every break possible. But this time, there was nothing I could do," she is being reasonable, you feel guilty that you are so mad at her. "You've just been so distracted recently-"

"My wife DIED. She was killed by some idiot kid and you wonder why I'm distracted?!" you turn around to glare at her; you need someone to be angry with right now, someone beside yourself.

"Look, we all miss Allison. It was unfair that she had to die, but you need some help House. You aren't dealing with all of this in the right way."

"And what would be the right way? Kissing puppies and chasing rainbows?" you don't know why you're yelling

"No. But…House you sent your daughter away! Her mom just died and you just sent her away! You need to talk to someone!"

"I don't need anyone," you lie, because there is just so much you need to figure out and are too afraid to ask. When was the last time you even talked to Wilson?

"I don't care. You _are_ going to see a psychiatrist, understand? Once a week at first then we can arrange something else," she is back to hospital administrator mode; she isn't your friend Cuddy anymore.

"Whatever."

----

**Next chapter should be up soon. Please review. **

**GabbyAbby**


	11. Goodbye Means Nothing at All

**Mutations**

**Beta:** RockinLizzy

**Chapter 11 ****Goodbye**** Means Nothing at All**

You sit at home switching the channels with the excuse that there is nothing on, because you can't concentrate on anything besides the open day-planner you left on the coffee table. The leather bounding still smells new, and it's soft beneath your fingertips. She was the only one who ever wrote in it; it was her way of trying to remind you just when your appointments were. Her handwriting fills pages with random quotes and dates, little things she thought would amaze you to a point of actually filling out the pages yourself.

It never worked and you usually just laughed when she got frustrated and rolled her eyes at your stubbornness.

You want her back here, sitting next to you and with that look in her face that always meant she was annoyed at you, because you missed some sort of an appointment. You want her sitting next to you so you can kiss her in that spot just behind her ears that turned her into putty in your arms.

You miss her.

There are only a few more weeks of her handwriting filling square spaces beneath dates.

Yesterday's entry has a tear stain, one she tried to brush away you can tell because it only helped in spreading the patch of ink along the corner of the page.

_Lydia_

It's written in her neat cursive with an unsteady hand, you can tell because the curve of the 'd' is slightly crocked underneath the date, November 15.

There's also a quote you can't make out, but you trace the name and give up on changing the channels.

"I'm sorry baby."

---------------

You are angry and frustrated; you don't want to be here in this earthy-toned office, no matter how comfortable the leather chair looks. It's why you've been at your best _'I'm pissed off' _act for just about all day; it probably was over doing it when you snapped at Nurse Brenda for asking if you one of your fellows would be down for clinic duty soon.

Your shrink is sitting behind a desk, going through her last patients file and you are hoping that she doesn't want to be here as well. But she looks up and your hopes scatter.

Fifty-eight more minutes.

"Dr. House," she doesn't smile, just raises a brow and motions for you to get comfortable, as she moves towards a matching chair.

You pull your right leg up, wincing as you ease it on top of a coffee table. You don't bother to say you're sorry for dropping the magazines on the floor. It was intentional anyway.

"Anything in particular you want to discuss today?"

That is the million dollar question isn't it?

"You wouldn't, by any chance, want to pretend this was all done with, so I can go catch the episode of 'General Hospital' you're making me miss?"

She arches her brows again and pushes a strand of bottle blonde hair from her face.

"I'm sure it's a re-run or you'd have TiVo working on it already,"

You grunt and look at the ceiling.

"I'm sure you don't want to be here.."

You cut her off with a faked innocence look, before rolling your eyes. She just gives you a half amused look and continues.

"But Dr. Cuddy has ordered this and the more you co-operate, the less amount of time we will need to spend with each other."

You just look at the ceiling. You don't want to talk to anyone about why you sent your daughter away, or how guilty you feel of your wife's death or how you feel like an idiot because you couldn't make Lilly start breathing again. You don't want to admit you are so lost in this little world of guilt that you can't even diagnose a case of lupus.

Your shrink keeps crossing and uncrossing her legs and pushing imaginary strands of hair behind her ear.

"Do you believe in heaven?" you ask, trying to make it sound as nonchalant as possible.

"We aren't here to talk about my beliefs."

"We aren't going to get anywhere with mine."

You look away from the ceiling to her, trying to intimidate her into answering your question. But you are too focused on figuring out how to answer your daughter's question.

"What makes you think I'm even religious?"

"You have a cross on that pretty little chain around your neck"

Her hand moves to touch the object, it reminds you of the one Stacy use to wear.

"Yes I do." She answers, letting her hand fall back down on her lap.

"How?"

"I was raised Catholic."

"I don't want to know the '_why_'; I want to know the '_how_'. How can you believe in it if you don't have any proof?"

"Why are you bringing all of this up?"

You seriously consider telling her about your daughter: how she is trying to understand where her mom is now. You want to tell her that you can't answer the question because you don't believe in any of that religious bullshit and Allison didn't either. You were never good at letting people into your personal thoughts though.

She opens the file in her hand when you go silent. It's yours, you're sure.

You look at the clock behind her desk. Thirty-two minutes left.

"Is this because of your wife?" when she looks up you can see she's trying to hide the _'I'm sorry'_ look in her blue eyes, trying to stay within her professional role.

"No."

Yes.

--------------------

**Please review!**

**GabbyAbby**


	12. Touchdown Turnaround

**Mutations **

**Chapter 12 Touchdown Turn Around **

Her room is a multitude of colors.

Your daughter has stuffed animals thrown all over the room along with random articles of clothing. She was never a neat child, no matter how hard Allison tried to make putting things away fun. You carefully pick each thing up and rack your brain to try and figure out where they are suppose to go.

A multicolored scarf is hanging on her little chair by a white desk she coerced you to buy with a little look behind her bangs. The purple stenciled flowers are barely visible in two of the three drawers. You wonder if it's an invasion of privacy to be in here.

You fold a pile of clothes on the bed and open every possible drawer, trying to put them back in place. You've put all her shoes back into a neat display in one side of her closet, while you try to figure out how to hang her dresses lower in the closet, so she can reach them herself.

There are touches of Allison everywhere in the room, from the semi-color coordinated closet, the one you are so hard trying to copy, to the pictures in black and white of ballerinas around the room. She always loved to watch your daughter in those silly ballet recitals. You almost never attended, but would always hear about during dinner.

You weren't there when you could have been and it makes you want to rip your hair out.

You try to put her books and drawings into some sort of an order, and you laugh quietly when you find one ballet slipper in a drawer full of crayons and markers.

Her plane will land in a few hours and you want to have everything ready for when she gets back. It takes you a while, but the only thing left is to change her bed-sheets and you let go a breath of relief when you realize that you still know where her spare sheets are.

You pull off the pink and purple patchwork comforter and that's when you see it, half hidden under a jewelry box, a picture of Ally and yourself. It was taken long before your daughter was born and you both look so happy. You sit on your daughter's bed and feel the tears on your eyes; seems like it was such a lifetime ago.

Monster trucks and cotton candy.

--------------

You've decided that the house is to quiet lately. Its making you lose your mind; your daughter needs some sort of order to get back into her normal life and you haven't been any help. Your mother-in-law is right in saying that this roller-coast you've been putting your daughter through isn't helping. But really you just need to have her back here with you; you need a little bit of Allison around you even if it sounds selfish.

-----------

"DADDY!!!!!!!!!" she comes running into your arms and when you pick her up your afraid you won't ever be able to let her go again. She has arms around your neck with her hair in a crazy mess of curls covering half her face.

"Hey you," you whisper against her hair, as you kiss her bangs. She giggles and wiggles slightly to she gets more comfortable in your arms.

"Wow you're so big now!"

"No, I'm not. I'm still really, really short compared to you!" she is smiling, eyes lighting up, and you wonder just how you were able to let her leave in the first place.

"Well, that's cause I'm all grown up and stuff," you make a face and she laughs before giving you a kiss on the cheek.

"I missed you kid," you tell her and she lays her head on your shoulder.

"Missed you too."

You turn to look at your brother-in-law who is still holding her backpack and stuffed animal with a half smile on his face.

"Hey Alex," you say and he nods. He's so different from Allison, where she was petite and smiles her brother is compassionate and reserved. But they share the same eyes; it will always be a family trait.

"Greg."

You are trying to balance Beth in one arm, a cane in the other, and so a handshake is out of the question.

"You need a ride?" you are just trying to make small talk and it never really was your forte, both of you can tell it's forced so he just shakes his head. You're just glad that Alex was never one for conversation either.

"Well then, Wilson is waiting in the car…" you trail of and he hands Beth her things, she is hesitant in taking her arms from around your neck but you kiss her cheek before putting her down, making sure to hold her hand as she takes her things back and smiles at her uncle.

"Take care," he says and you aren't sure if he is talking to you or your daughter. When you turn to leave you stop and smile at him.

"Thanks… for everything," it surprises you at how truthful it is.

"It was no problem," he looks at your daughter for a moment before he opens his mouth again.

"Don't ruin this one too" he touches your daughter's curls, messing them up slightly more and she just giggles.

You aren't sure if it's a warning or not. You tighten you hand around your daughter's and hobble out of the airport. You'll be able to do this, take care of her from now on. She needs you to.


	13. Makes Me Wonder

**Mutations **

By: GabbyAbby

Beta: RockinLizzy

A/N: Don't own them.

Chapter 13 Makes Me Wonder 

"Hey girly," Wilson smiles at your daughter, as you open the back door and help her into the car. 

"Uncle James!" she smiles and steps between the space separating the two front seats to hug his neck and give him a kiss on the cheek.

"How was your trip?" Wilson asks as you open the passenger seat, pretending to roll your eyes at their conversation.

"It was okay. I couldn't sleep cause I wanted to see Daddy!" she is smiling and her eyes are twinkling. You look back at her and you can see something behind her eyes, a little twitch behind her smile that makes it seem like she's trying to hold on to it for as long as possible. Then she lets go of Wilson and sits back down.

Her smile fades for a second and she turns to the window, eyes far away and you want to cry because she is trying so hard to pretend that everything is fine and Wilson can see it as well.

Wilson clears his throat and you can tell he is going to want to start some sort of conversation; because he will want to know what is going on with your daughter. You know he's just waiting till she's out of earshot to ask. You wish he would be quiet, because you can understand that your daughter will come around in her own time. That right now she is just trying to deal with everything that has changed to much in this last few weeks of her life.

"Sarah and Noah are with Aunty Lisa?" she asks, eyes still staring out of the window as she rests her head against the glass, you look at her through the mirror and see her tracing a finger over the knitted pink and purple flower in her snow cap.

"Yeah hum…" Wilson looks at you from the corner of his eyes. He wants you to come out and explain why is it that your daughter's voice sounds so lost and distant.

Your heart twists and you can feel your eyes stinging as you try not to cry; your daughter is playing a game of pretend to please everyone around her. She is trying to make herself sound like everything is as fine as it was before he mother died and it's almost killing you that she is in this much pain. Somehow you know it's your fault for not trying to help her before, when you just ignored everything that was going on in her little head and sent her away.

She was always an open book, you were always able to read her as easily as Allison, because everything she had to show you flashed in her eyes.

What happened to her innocence? Was it lost somewhere along the last month?

"I can pick them up and bring them over if you want."

"That would be nice."

-------------

Wilson dropped you and your daughter at your house, before phoning Cuddy to ask if it was okay to pick up the kids from her house. You know she only agrees to let her kids out of her sight in her only day off because of Beth.

You should thank her on Monday.

--------------------

You remember joking with Wilson that finally after he got rid of the alimony payments, he brought upon himself three child-support ones. He just brushed you off and told you that you were merely jealous that he was so good; he got the Dragon Lady to birth three spawn at once.

Cuddy was ecstatic when she finally got pregnant and Jimmy stared talking to himself when it was announced they had triplets coming along the way. You remember Allison helping Cuddy with everything, from the baby shower to helping her move around after the C-section, because even though Cuddy and Wilson were together at that point they still hadn't agreed to live with one another unless they both knew it was what they wanted.

You remember Allison almost five-months pregnant and hobbling around after Cuddy for those few weeks after the triplets arrived. She would just smile at you when you teased her, saying that at least all you had to worry about was one crying infant. Cuddy, however, had three screaming premies to look after.

Saint Cameron you use to call her, but you never did tell her that you were always grateful that she helped your friends through those few weeks.

------------

Your daughter is walking around the room slowly, like she's trying to re-learn where everything is. Her little fingers are tracing everything from photos to the back of the leather couch. Passing gently over piano keys before pressing down on one and letting the sound vibrate through the room, she takes a step back and looks into your eyes before letting out a forced giggle.

"You cleaned!" she is laughing, because she thinks it's the most hilarious thought to ever cross her mind. Behind her little laugh you see that she's just doing this to amuse you.

"Making fun of the old man are you?" you raise a brow at her and she just keeps laughing before pressing one more key. The sound rings through the living room and you step closer to her. You wish you could go along with her little game for a moment, to let her think she has you fooled.

"Maybe just a little."

You take a seat on the piano bench and pull her to sit down next to you.

"You know, it's okay to be sad honey"

"Mommy was never sad. Not even when Lydie was gone." She isn't looking at you; her eyes are looking at the black and white keys like she is hearing a melody you can't.

"Sweetie," you twist a curl around your finger and she leans her little head on your shoulder.

"Mommy was very sad when Lydie died. She just wanted to look strong in front of you." you kiss the top of her messy hair and breathe her in. She's always had this smell of baby powder.

"She wouldn't want you to keep all of this in."

She takes your other hand into her small ones, tracing the lines on your palm and you feel a teardrop fall on it, slow and cold.

"I miss her Daddy."

"Me too baby."

------------------

I'm very sad by the lack of reviews!


	14. Another Dance

**Mutations**

**Chapter 14 ****Another**** Dance**

_"I miss her Daddy."_

_"__Me__ too baby."_

_------------------_

Suddenly, your daughter presses her little face against your chest and starts shaking. You wonder if it's the first time she's really cried over her mother, your stomach turns because you should have noticed earlier how all of this had been affecting her, but you were so caught up in your own mind that you pushed your daughter aside.

When you kiss the top of her head, she just cries harder, gasping for breath and holding onto your button-down shirt; it does nothing to help your new found sense of guilt.

You feel awkward for a second; you pat her back gently, trying to figure out how exactly you're supposed to comfort a seven year old. It had been so much easier when she was a toddler: all you had to do then was pick her up and kiss her forehead. There use to be no booboo you couldn't fix with a kiss and a band-aid.

"I'm here baby," you rub her back again, and she slowly climbs on your lap. You flinch for a moment when she puts too much pressure on your right thigh, but brush the thought of pushing her back down on the piano stool and going upstairs to pop a Vicodin, off; your leg can stand a bit of pain right now. Your daughter is the one who needs all you attention.

"Mommy… she … she," your daughter looks up at you,wheezing while trying to brush away tears and you hold her little cheek in your hand.

"She promised."

"She promised what?" you ask, trying to understand your daughter's half mumbled logic.

"A-after L-Ly-Lydia," she is almost shaking and you pull her tighter against your chest. Her sobs are lost against your shoulder. "She promised that I wouldn't lose anyone again"

You wonder why you never thought Lydia's death had affected Elizabeth as much as it had you, maybe it was because she was four or because you just are the biggest jerk in the planet. You were too lost in grief after finding your ten-month-old daughter so quiet and still that morning, too busy desperately trying to wake her up, that you ended up crying and yelling when CPR didn't work. You should have paid more attention to Beth's wide eyes from the doorway when Allison came bursting in, you should have held on to her because she was scared and lost with everyone crying and running. But she had been four, and you truly never gave any thought that she knew what was happening.

You two sit quietly, your arms tight around your daughter's little body as her sobs slowly subside and you do the only thing you can think of. You kiss her head and tell her that you are here for her, and that you aren't letting her go anymore.

You stroke her curly hair and whisper gently about the night before Lydia had died, when you had taken both girls out to the park and bought them everything they'd pointed at. You smiled and told her to remember how Mommy had been so angry because you had been spoiling them rotten, and how after a bit she just started to laugh and the four of you had set out in the backyard. You tell her to remember running around in circles after fireflies, and how Lydia's face had lighten up when she'd brought them for her to see.

Then, there's a knock on the door and before you even fully lift your head up, your daughter is up on her feet, brushing away tears, as if it will hide red cheeks and puffy eyes.

"BETH!!!!!" two voices yell as your front door is thrown open. You see your daughter smile lightly and shake her head.

Suddenly, your living room is invaded by giggling, and 'I've missed you's. Your daughter is in the middle of a bear-hug and turning slightly pink before your eyes.

"You two, let her breathe!" You get up from the piano stool and the Cuddy-Wilson girls look up, letting your giggling daughter push hair away from her eyes.

"Hi Uncle Greg!" Sarah smiles and almost stumbles on her on feet as she gets up and hugs you. You roll your eyes but hug her back anyway.

Noah is sitting on the floor, staring up at you with puppy-dog brown eyes. You laugh gently when your daughter rolls her eyes as if to say its okay for her friends to hug you. You pretend to be annoyed when you hug the second girl as well.

Wilson comes closer to you and the chuckling girls, with the mini boy version of Cuddy next to him.

"Really, what do you teach these children, to just randomly hug people or something?" you ask in a mock angry tone, and Wilson just moves to make himself comfortable in your couch.

"I told them to stay away from smelly hobos," he goes along with your game and both girls giggle before letting go of you and once again toppling your daughter with questions.

"Hello there, Spawn," you greet the only male Cuddy-Wilson offspring, who smirks and sits very comfortably on your leather recliner.

"How you doing Cripple?" he asks back, and you see a spark of teasing behind his blue eyes.

"Daniel," Wilson says warningly, and you can't help but think that he's a great dad and wish that you could consider yourself one too.

Your eyes wander over to your daughter, she's trying to hold the smile of her lips and you can see she's trying brushing aside the questions her identical best friends are asking her.

It's an endless string of 'what did you do over there?', 'why did you go anyway?' and 'was it fun?', with of course 'did you miss us?' thrown in every three or so questions.

**--------------**

**Okay to clear a question I knew will show up somewhere, Noah is commonly a boy's name. I am aware of that, but it can be used as a girl's name, I've seen it done and I thought I might as well give it a shot. Mainly because the only more religious name I could think of was Mary and I really don't like it much.**

**Please leave a review, the next chapter will be up sooner if depending on the amount of reviews I get.**

**GabbyAbby**


	15. If I Fell In Love With You

**Mutations****Chapter 15 If I Fell in Love with You**

You can no longer sit down in your living room, scotch at hand, and listen to The Beatles drown out everything in the most basic, beautiful, and random lyrics. Her memory has snuck itself into every single one of your favorite songs, and you can't take her out. You can't just close your eyes and relax anymore. Her face is always there, smiling behind your eyelids and you can't stand how much you miss her. How much she meant to you.

_'__Oh Darling__'_ reminds you of every single time you treated her like crap, when you would roll your eyes and pretend that she wasn't important. It reminds you of the lost time and all the promises you made when you got together.

_'__Day Tripper__'_ just makes you see her in front of you, for a moment Allison's standing there with, glasses at the bridge of her nose and leaning over a chart. Her curly hair flowing down in ringlets over her shoulders and her left foot is tapping lightly, not missing a single beat as she plays songs over her head.

'_I Want You'_ brings memories of the first time you were really together, when she pushed you down on to your bed and showed a whole new side of her personality you could have never imagined existed. You see that wicked smile she would have sometimes, and you want nothing more than to have it in front of you again.

_'__Here Comes the __Sun__'_ reminds you of the day your daughter was born, when Allison had smiled through sweaty curls stuck to her forehead. She ran a finger delicately over Elizabeth's pink cheek and whispered that she was perfect. Then she smiled at you and you think she was never as beautiful as in that moment, when her face was pink and eyes half opened. It scared you when she placed your daughter in your arms. But Allison smiled and everything was fine.

_'__Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds__'_ is for Lydia. It is for Allison twirling her around in her arms, with both of your daughter's giggling at their mother, as she danced with them with shining eyes and pink cheeks. Of Elizabeth running towards you and asking you to dance, and Lydia smiling because she found your dancing the funniest thing in her small world.

Even '_I am the Walrus__'_ and its nonsensical lyrics stir up memories of Allison, of her singing out loud down the hallway; her feet bare and dressed in one of your shirts. You rolling your eyes and teasing that she couldn't sing. But she would shrug you off and continue. You were never able to totally figure her out.

_I am he__ as you are he__ as you are me__ and we are all together._

----------------------

"Daddy?" your daughter asks quietly, almost afraid to take you out of your trance. It takes you a moment to open your eyes and push away the tears.

"Yes, baby?" Your voice gives you away, because even to your ears you can hear the tears you're trying to pull back. Your daughter strokes your hand, the one she has wrapped around both of her warm ones and you squeeze her hand.

"I like this song," she says simply, and when you look at her, she's smiling a watery smile. Shesits down on the floor with her head against your knees, bobbing her head lightly, in tune with the music.

You're silent for a moment, watching as she cries and smile and bobs her head.

She remembers her Mom playing it when she picked her up from school. She pulls her knees up and rests her chin on top of them, counting notes, counting memories, counting how many times she played it over and over during the funeral.

"I like it too."

"Mommy use to say that it didn't matter that the lyrics were silly, because it was fine as long as you ended up being the Walrus and not the Eggman," she giggles softly, a sound lost between a sob and laughter.

"That is the basic idea," you say. You smile and it's hard to breath; your eyes sting and you let yourself cry. You let yourself be weak in front of your daughter for the first time, because for as much as she needs you to be strong for her, she also needs to see that you are hurting as much as she is.

-----------

Sorry this took so long, but I needed to get some things done and I'm working two jobs right now, so I didn't have a lot of time.

Thank you so much, my lovely beta 'RockinLizzy' who even after all the annoyance I put her through still took her time to look this over!!

Please leave a review and I swear the next chapter will be up soon.

GabbyAbby


	16. Hey There Delilah

**Mutation**

**A/N: **Thanks so much to my wonderful beta 'RockinLizzy' who took time out of her busy schedule to look this over.

**Chapter 16 Hey There Delilah**

You don't remember falling asleep on the couch with your leg up on the coffee.

But then, your eyes open and the television screen is frozen, in the same spot you remember pausing it last night, after watching into the early morning hours. You wish you had remembered to shut off the TV before you fell asleep, because right now you don't have the heart to do it. You can't ignore how it makes you feel to see your wife again.

You know you should; you should pick up the remote and press the 'off' button. You should tell your daughter to get up and dressed, because she has summer school today (because see needs to do something other than staying at home all day) and you have to go to work.

But instead, you're both sitting in your living room, watching the frozen image of a captured memory.

Allison's eyes sparkle even through the pixels of the flat screen.

God, how you miss those eyes.

You should turn off the TV; you should get up and make breakfast. You should be worried about scratching one of the one of the few home videos you have left. You should do these things.

Instead, when you lift the remote, you press rewind and then play, so that your wife comes to life in the screen.

She's sitting on the hardwood floor of the living room, with Elizabeth sitting next to her and a small bump on her mid section. She keeps telling your daughter to wave at the camera. You know she was the one handling the camera by how unstable and out of focus the image is.

"Happy Bhutday Daddy!" three-year-old Elizabeth giggles. Her red curls are in two little braids and she's dressed in a white little.

"She was so pretty," your daughter whispers. She's sitting too close to the television screen, something that you're sure Allison would have complained about, something about the position compromising her eyesight. She would have turned to you and said 'please tell your daughter to listen to me'. You would have almost shout in a pretend controlling voice and then would have winked at your daughter, who would giggle and do as you asked.

"She was beautiful."

You watch as your wife and daughter make silly faces at the camera. Allison's eyes widen for a moment, before her free hand goes to the small bump on her stomach and a smile appears on her lips. You remember her telling you, when you got home that night, that the baby had kicked for the first time. You feel like an idiot now for not giving the baby the appropriate amount of attention. You should have insisted on planting your hand on her stomach until it happened again, like you had done when she was 

pregnant with Elizabeth. You shouldn't have brushed it off just because you already knew what it felt like.

"Daddy?" your daughter's voice is weak, lost underneath all the emotions swimming through her body. She turns around, her eyes are shining, and it twists your heart, because you can see the tears making her eyes change colors to a point that they are almost matching.

"Come here baby," you whisper, your hand extended for her. She slowly gets up and craws into your lap.

You hug her, taking in her small warm body and crazy red curls. You let her wait as long as she wants, because you want her to be comfortable with whatever she has to ask. But also, because you want to give yourself a moment to calm down.

"Is it bad that I almost forgot the color of her hair?" she finally asks. Her head turned slightly against your shoulder so she can still look at the screen, and so she can cry and you both can pretend that you don't see it.

You stare at your wife, your Allison. She is smiling at you, that smile that always made you almost melt inside, no matter how much you've denied it. It's been almost four months since you last had her next to you, since you were last able to hold her, kiss her, tell her you loved her.

"No sweetie." You kiss the top of her head and rub her back, letting her whole body curl into a ball on your lap. "Sometimes it's just hard to remember everything about someone when they aren't around all the time."

"I remember her laugh. How no matter how mad someone was, she could just laugh and everything felt better." Your daughter says and looks up at you and you can't help but smile. She has this little crooked smile on her mouth and you want to tell her just how much like her mother she is. How with that little smile both of them made you feel like you are actually someone important.

Sorry it took a while, the next chapter should be up around Friday night or Saturday morning.

Please leave a review!!

GabbyAbby


	17. Paralyzer

**Mutation**

**A/N:** To 'RockinLizzy' who is just the most wonderful beta ever.

**Chapter 17 Paralyzer**

**--**

Your psychiatrist is frustrated. You almost give yourself a pat on the back for making her try so hard not to glare at you. You 'forgot' your appointment last week and to make up for it, she has made this a double session. You think it's her way of annoying you, because you have to be in her color-coordinated office for an hour more than you are suppose to and two hours more than you would have liked. Instead, she is the one trying to compose herself.

She sighs and gets up from the leather chair across from you. Her little habit of brushing a random strand of blonde hair behind her ear is on overdrive today; you're proud to say you are the one who is responsible. She tries to calm herself by making some sort of tea, but you wish she wouldn't have because the moment she comes closer you can smell it.

"Black Walnut and Ginger." you whisper. You wish she hadn't heard, because now she actually has something to talk about; it's exactly what you've been trying to avoid all the time you've been coming here.

"How did you know?" she asks half-surprised and half-amused, before sitting herself across from you and taking a sip.

You don't want to answer; you don't think she has the right to know that it's what Allison would make you every time you were sick, because it had been your joke. You hated the damn taste of the tea and she knew it, but you would drink it nonetheless just to see her laugh from the faces you would make. You loved when she laughed because her eyes would sparkle, and you wouldn't feel like she had made a horrible choice by marring you.

"My wife… she... she use to make it." You don't offer more than that. It's more than she needed to know. You only answered because the smell is driving you crazy with memories and you don't want to cry in your psychiatrist's office. It's enough that you let your daughter see you cry; no one else needs to know that you miss her this much.

"Oh." She looks at you and you can see pity in her eyes. Pity for you losing your wife, for you not talking about it, for you hating that she's gone.

It's why you never wanted to be here.

You don't want her pity.

You don't want anyone to see just how broken Allison's death left you.

She writes something down and you sigh, you want to leave.



"Did she make it often?" she asks and by her tone of voice, you can tell she thinks there has been a breakthrough. You are almost happy by the fact that you get to crush her little hopes.

You look at her and she brushes a strand of hair from her eyes, before taking a sip of the tea.

You remember the time Allison decided to be blonde. It didn't really suit her; the brown hair always brought out her eyes. You remember her going along with your hooker and stupid blonde jokes. You remember her texting you a new joke that you couldn't help but laugh at halfway through a differential. Your fellows then were taken back and Foreman just chose to ignore you.

Your psychiatrist puts the teacup down, still brushing that same strand of hair from her eyes. It's the blonde hair that makes you answer. All you can think about is Allison in scrubs and a ponytail, how she had changed so much after she stopped working for you, how she could get little things from you then.

"When I was sick."

You don't talk anymore after that, because you aren't ready to share everything with a complete stranger yet. You hang your head when you realize that sooner or later you will have to talk about Allison, about how much you loved her and missed her. You will have to talk about Lydia, but you aren't sure if you are ready yet. Maybe you will never be.

You are asked more questions that you ignore. Instead, you focus on a spot on the ceiling, until she gets the point and tells you that you can leave; there is only a half an hour left anyway. When you are walking out, she bites her lip and hands you a card with a 'trusted friend's number neatly printed under 'child psychologist' and you are fuming mad.

You tell her that she has no right, but she just stares at you for a moment and says that maybe one of you need to talk about this.

You knock on Wilson's door before you barge in, and he is sitting behind his desk with patient files spread all over and you can only guess he's charting. It reminds you to tell Emery to hurry up and get yours done.

"Hi," he says slowly, as you sit yourself on his couch, bouncing your cane between your parted knees.

"Do you think that Beth might need to see a shrink?" you ask, slowly because it's hard for you to be this open with anyone, even your best friend.

"She has been through a lot, it wouldn't hurt." It's what you knew he would say and you let go a breath and close your eyes.

"I wish I could be a better Dad. I'm no better than my father." You both know that Wilson has no idea of what's been going on lately, that all he knows is small things he's picked up from your daughter's silence 

to your mood swings. But, you need for someone to tell you that you aren't a complete failure right now, because you aren't sure you believe it (do you ever?).

"House… You're a great dad. That little girl loves you more than anything. But, there are things you can't fix." Wilson is leaning forward against his desk, in what seems to be a compromise of getting up and sitting next to you or just staying away. "It's okay to have some kind of help."

"I just wish I could do more for her."

**This took way longer than I thought to post up. Please leave a review. It helps with the creative juices and the less I get the more I give up on this story.**

**GabbyAbby**


	18. He Said She Said

**Mutation**

**Chapter 18 He Said She Said**

You are making a list of all the little things Allison did that drove you insane, and you swear it isn't because your shrink suggested that it might help you realize that she wasn't perfect, and by doing so you can work through your anger.

No, you are doing this because you are bored and Cuddy hasn't given you anything more interesting than Scarlet Fever lately.

_1. Coffee._

The first thing in your list is coffee, because you blame her for making you insist that everyone else's coffee sucks. Which has led you not to have a single drop of the life sustaining liquid in months. You hate it that she never told you what her little 'secret' for making the damn thing was and it's driving you crazy. You hate it that you were so spoiled to think that it would always be around.

You try to shake that away from your mind, this is a 'Things That Were Wrong With Allison' list, not what you miss about her. It's enough to know that she destroyed coffee for you; she even made you give it up for a good part of both her pregnancies. If she had to stop drinking it, so did you.

_2. She walked around barefooted._

You aren't sure why it drove you insane to see her walking all over your house without shoes on, but it almost made you tear your hair out when she pranced up and down hallways and over the cold kitchen floor with no shoes and on her tiptoes. It must have something to do with your father making you wear shoes everywhere.

You remembered she cut her foot on a broken glass once and you almost boasted about how she should have listened to you, but instead you rolled your eyes kissed her forehead and cleaned the cut.

_3. She couldn't stand watching commercials_.

This bothered you because you always missed a few minutes of _anything_ that was on t.v. because as soon as a show or movie would go into a commercial break she would pounce for the remote and change the channel, flipping until she found something that wasn't on break and tell you not to worry she would change it back. When she finally did get around to it you always missed something, and no matter how many times she did it and how many times you told her not to, she always won.

_4. Ballet Lessons._

It annoyed you endlessly when she first started taking your four-year-old daughter to ballet classes, your daughter didn't enjoy it much and you didn't see the point in it. You had voted for karate but Allison insisted that she had to take ballet. She had done so when she was younger and thought it would be a wonderful experience for your daughter to get out and socialize. When you got mad she would raise a 

brow at you and you just knew you end up in the couch. You always thought that ballet classes were for wussies and you wanted your daughter to grow up and be able to defend herself from any nosy body.

_5. Folding socks._

One of your last favorite things to do as a household chore was to fold clothing, you always had someone to do it for you (Wilson or the people at the drycleaners, they were paid to do so), because you never saw a point. But Allison insisted that everything had to be folded and she would do most of it herself, but she hated folding socks. So she would leave the lovely task for you, and searching for matching pairs in size, color, shape. You would whine and she wouldn't budge, saying that you had to help in _something's_ and that sex wasn't enough.

_6. She made you laugh._

You had done fine for years being a miserable bastard, but she came along and made you laugh. With her silly jokes and her puppy faces. You lost everything you took years to earn, because you wanted to keep people away. You didn't want to get hurt anymore, but she wouldn't hear of it. She destroyed everything that took years to build in months of you two dating. You couldn't scare the nurses into doing anything anymore, because they now knew just what a softy you could be. Because Allison had made an almost humorless joke and you laughed because she just looked so cute trying.

_7. Music._

It was never that your tastes in music were so different, but the fact that whenever she found a song she liked she played it over and over for about a week and nothing else. You would wake up with the damn song in your head and her humming it throughout the day. How she would come up with dances that made no since and try and talk you into joining her.

_8. Alphabetizing. _

Allison had this OCD thing about keeping books, CD's, movies, and the spice cabinet in perfect alphabetical order. It didn't matter that it made things easier to find and that you didn't almost burn your food while looking for a particular spice. You wanted to have things messy because that was your slow rebellion against having grown up in such a strict environment. You never could understand why she would waste time in things are trivial as that. You'd laugh when she asked you to help her keep it just so.

_9. Her pizza habits._

It actually made you physically ill to watch the woman eat pizza. She would insist on first eating it on an actual plate with real utensils, then she would just have to make the whole situation worse by putting ketchup on top of the damn thing. She would eat the whole thing down with gusto and shrug you off at the disgusted faces you pulled off. It never helped any that your daughter picked up that habit and you were always outnumbered at dinner.

_10. How she made you love her._

Without ever really trying.

**--**

**I thought it would take me longer to update, and it might take a while after this, unless of course I get a nice amount of reviews. I hope it was interesting; I'm trying to put more about their life together. **

**Please review. **

**GabbyAbby**


	19. Annoucement

**Announcement:**

**To whomever the Huddy fan who left me the nasty comment. If you dislike Hameron so much, why is that you need to read it and post mean things about it? Everyone has different tastes, it just so happens that mine is different than yours and if you had any actual sense of decency, you would deal with that. I and many other Hameron fans don't go around spamming Huddy fics. It's stupid and hurtful. It's very un-respectful for the people who take their time to write down these things to have someone with your lack of manners to come around and say those things.**

**So go and stick to what you like and leave what you don't alone. **

**To all of those who have been following this fic, I'll have a new chapter soon. I would have already had one posted if the so proclaimed 'Huddy' fan had not shot me down with his/hers review. **

**Thank you for all of those who have been reading and showing your appreciation towards it. I'm so grateful for it. **

**GabbyAbby**


	20. Stop and Stare

**Mutation**

**Chapter 19 Stop and Stare**

You aren't sure how you are going to bring this up, because you aren't sure how your daughter is going to react to it. You are doing this for her, so she can start to feel a little bit better. But she is your daughter and you are pretty sure she will react to it just as you have. What a great role-model you turned out to be.

You are both sitting down and eating dinner, the silence is strange because over the years you've gotten used to the chattering that always went with dinner. Allison could never stop talking and she somehow made you do the same (you sometimes swear the woman was a witch of some sort).

You put down your knife and fork and look at your daughter. She is pushing her food around in her plate, picking at this and that, measuring just how much she really needs to eat before you let her go be alone in her room. It's scaring you because you even though she has always been small, she is just _too_ tiny right now.

"Beth, I need to ask you something" you tell her and she looks up at you, you can tell that she is trying to bring her mind away from her thoughts.

When she has stopped messing with her food you take a deep breath, you need to do this now because you know you'll lose every bit of courage you have if you don't. The words are stuck and you think that the only possible way you can get through this is if Allison was here, but she is gone and this is just a fucking messed up circle that keeps coming back to smack you in the face.

"Do you think that maybe, you want someone to talk to? Someone you can talk to about everything has been going on lately, someone you can say everything you want to and they won't judge you by it?"There its out in the open and it hangs between the both of you, it's impossible to ignore it now; this has just become the giant neon orange elephant in the room.

"Like… like a shrink?" she asks slowly, sitting up straighter on her seat. You can almost read her thoughts, she's thinking that she isn't a crazy person and everything is just fine.

But you both know that's just another lie. The both of you have been collecting them.

"It might make all this easier" you tell her, it's strange to try and make this into something your daughter will understand. Because after all she is still seven, these are all things that are making you forget that she is just a little kid; she doesn't know how to deal with any this it yet.

"How can anything make it that Mommy died okay?" she asks; her voice serious and almost lacking emotion. This isn't your daughter, this scares you.

"Nothing will make the fact that Mommy isn't here okay, it's something that both of us will need to work together on. But I don't think that either of us is handling loosing Mommy very well" you tell her, 

every instinct in your body is telling you to look away from her, telling you that you are pushing something at her that you have been avoiding for months.

You are both quiet for a few minutes that last forever. It's moments like this that you were never good at handling, the tension craws up your spine and makes your palm sweats because if reminds you of when you were a kid and had to watch every single step you took because your father was watching.

You don't want to be like that to your daughter.

So you get up, leaving you cane against the table and go stand by your daughter. You take her little hand and squeeze it.

"I just want you to be okay" you tell her and that's when you see the tears starting to form in her eyes.

"Okay" she says in a voice as tiny as herself, you pull her up and against you. Then you pick her up, and it hurts like your leg is both of fire and being ripped open, but you are trying not to care about it. She wraps herself around you, legs and arms and cries.

--

"Daddy?" your daughter asks as she comes into your room, pillow in hand and you know she wants to sleep with you tonight. You pull the covers back and she gives you a rare smile before she climbs in.

"If you could go back in time and change anything. What would you change?" she asks, pushing random strands of hair away from her little face. You turn to face her and think that your daughter is thinking beyond her years.

You stop and think about it, because you have messed up so much in your life that you don't know were you would need to begin to change things.

You wouldn't mind going back to before the infarction and tell your stupid doctors what it really was before it got to the point it had.

You wouldn't mind going back to the monster trucks and telling Allison that it _was_ a date, with the date part.

You wouldn't mind hitting yourself upside the head before you said all those stupid things on your first real date. You would have tried to be less of an idiot and kissed her when you dropped her off.

You wouldn't have gotten mixed up with Tritter, or Vogler, or Stacy (again). You would have fixed things with Wilson the first time around. You wouldn't have called Amber to pick you up. You would have kissed Allison back and just forget about the needle. You would have picked Lydia up that morning instead of letting her sleep in. You would have told Allison that you watched the documentary. You would have admitted that yes, you two had slept together before your little STD stunt. You wouldn't have let her go that night you spend together.You would have fought harder for her back then.

There are just too many things you would have liked to change.

"I'm not sure" you answer truthfully.

"I think I would have told Mommy how much I loved her that morning, hugged her so she would be late and not get hit by that car" your daughter answers, and you are stunned. You think that she is way too young to have any regrets. You pull her closer, kiss the top of her head and tell her that she means more than the world to you.

She is every good thing you have ever done.

This is your start.

**--**

**Sorry it took a bit, but I just moved and it took them a while to connect the internet. Hope you enjoyed, more to come soon.**

**GabbyAbby**


	21. One Step at a Time

**Mutation**

**Chapter 20 One Step at a Time **

She is the first thing you see when you wake up. It makes to smile because you know she sneaked into your room last night, now she is asleep next to you, half covered and curled around a pillow. Pink cheeks and rosy lips, taking deep breaths. Her hair is everywhere, a sea of red against your white pillows.

You realized something; you've nailed down the reason why you haven't been as close to your daughter lately. Why you pushed her away when you clearly knew she needed you. It's because she is so much like her mother, she has these little habits that just make you think of Allison (like the way she smiles, or how she holds her pencil). You don't want to see Allison, you don't want to remember all those moments you could have had and didn't.

You don't want to look at your daughter and only think about your wife, so from now on you are going to try to remember that no matter how much of Allison she is, how alike they both are. They are different people, and you need to remember that.

"Hey little girl" you tell her as she opens her eyes, blinking rapidly to get use to the light from the curtains you forgot open.

"Ten minutes" is the first thing she says and you have to smile, you've missed her just being a kid.

"School starts in an hour" you tell her and she just snuggles deeper into her pillow.

You push away curl from her face; you've almost forgotten how tiny she is.

"You don't wanna go to school today?" you ask, because you think that her not wanting to go to school lately is something more than just not wanting to get up early.

She looks up from her pillow and slowly nods her head, as if she doesn't want to give away her secrets yet.

"I don't wanna go to work either" you whisper to her and she giggles, and you smile because she is finally at least letting herself laugh.

"I don't think Aunty Lisa is gonna let you not come in today" she tells you, pushing herself from her pillow and sitting Indian-style next to you.

"But I'm sick!" you tell her and when she raises her eyebrow you cough. She laughs, wholeheartedly and it's the first time she's done so since Allison.

--

"I am so not faking! I really am sick. I might even be contagious, and we all know we don't want me in the clinic if I'm gonna get everyone sick. Imagine the lawsuits you would have"

"House you are not sick, get your crippled ass in here"

"I'm almost in my death bed and you want me to work!?" you tell your boss, faking a cough for good measure. Your daughter is giggling next to you and you tell her to shush, she gives you're a mischievous smile (the one you probably give all the time) and takes the phone from you.

"Hi Aunty Lisa" she says, her voice dripping in all that is sweet and you are glad to say you thought her that. "Daddy really doesn't feel well and he promised that I could take care of him"

You know Cuddy won't be able to say no, and it makes you smile as your daughter thanks your boss and then climbs into bed again, proclaiming that it was a 'piece of cake'.

You take your tiny daughter in your arms and kiss the top of her head, telling her that she is the most awesome person.

You ask her if there is anything she wants to do and she proclaims she wants pancakes, so you both run around in your kitchen, getting everything dirty and in your pj's, laughing and not worrying about dirty dishes. Today is her day.

You head for the zoo after breakfast (you ate half her pancakes, because she knows she can never finish her food), you steal her cotton-candy whenever she isn't looking and pretend not to know what she is talking about when she half glares at you (she makes you buy her a new one).

You aren't sure how she does it, but you are also dragged to the mall where she picks books and CD's and clothes. Then that one pair of new ballet slippers that she just _needs_, she wants to start ballet classes again and the look in her eyes is worth the small fortune they cost. She quit ballet when Allison passed, because it was their thing, and it makes you feel so much better that she wants to take it up again.

You both stop for pizza and ice cream, and in one of those per-pound candy stores.

When you get home you swear you will never eat junk food again (or at least for a good 24 hours), your daughter curls herself against you and asks if you can watch a movie. You let her pick anything she wants and you only truly realize it's 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants' when it's too late to make her change her mind.

"They feel sorry for me" she says when you are almost dozing off (that is the excuse you are standing behind).

"Who does baby?" you ask, looking down at your daughter as she pretends that her hands are the most interesting thing.

"The kids at school. They feel sorry for me, so they try not to talk about it. Then it always comes up and no one wants to talk to me much anymore" she whispers and you hear the tears she is holding back.

You hold your daughter against you, kissing the top of her head. You try to hold on to her before she grows up.

"They just don't understand" you tell her, knowing how hard it is to have everyone being awkward around you.

"I just want everyone to see that I'm still me, but they all treat me like I'm broken" she is crying now, you feel her tears warm against your shoulder because she's turned around in your arms.

"Look at me baby" she does slowly and you know this is just another step. That this will never totally be fine, but it's going to get better. "I know it's hard and people don't really know how to treat you. But you can't just give up; you just have to let them know that you are still the same person"

"You'll always love me right Daddy?"

The question almost breaks your already fragile heart.

"Always, no matter what"

**--**

**This took me a while to write because I'm thinking of taking this story into a different direction than what I had originally planned. **

**Please review, more should be up soon. **

**GabbyAbby**


	22. It's Black and It's White

**Mutations**

**Chapter 21 It's Black and It's White**

You are there to pick her up from ballet, the class isn't going to be done for another fifteen minutes and you are glad to say you are early for once in your life. You were busy last class and almost got on your knees begging Wilson to pick her up too along with his girls.

Your daughter was none too happy when you got home that night and didn't speak to you till after school the next day, so you are trying to get a one up in her book. You also want to tell her that you are thinking of switching her to another school. Everyone at her school now knows what happened with Allison and you know how hard it is.

Sometimes a change of scenery is all you need, and you think this might be one of those times. You want to switch her to the school with Jimmy and Lisa's kids, because there at least you know she'll have three people who will always treat her like Beth, not like the kid who lost her mother.

She sees you standing outside when the class finishes and runs to you, forgetting her stuff and one ballet slipper behind. She hugs you tightly like she hasn't seen you in forever.

"You came!" she seems surprised and happy.

"I said I would" you are trying to make things better; you want her to know that.

"Can Sally and Lola come home with us?" she asks, looking up at you, using her little nicknames for Sarah and Noah. You are sure Jimmy or Lisa are already on their way to pick up their girls, probably just stopping to pick up the demon-boy at art class before.

"I don't think so honey"

She starts to pout and you remind her she needs to go see Miss Sophia today, she looks down and let's go of a little sigh.

You tell her you can both wait with them till their parents come to pick them up, and they can spend the weekend if she wants.

She slowly nods and you know she is just as happy as you are to go talk to her own shrink. But it has helped to have someone to talk to, no matter how stubborn you are. It did help some when you lost your guard and blamed yourself at your last session. You're shrink told you that, yeah it might have been your fault, and that you can blame yourself all you want. But it won't bring Allison back and it isn't making any of this easier on anyone.

She told you to that a few moments a week to think of the good times you had together. You might start doing that.

--

You wait for your daughter in the waiting room, flipping through a magazine that has declared rights to the first picture of the newly adopted Jolie-Pitt kid, and you wonder for a second how life would be if you had to handle all those kids.

Then you think of Lydia, and how all this might be somewhat different if she was still here. Would she be going through the same things Beth was going through?

Would it change everything else and none of this would have happened, and you would be home right now, with your baby daughter in you lap listening to Beth talk about her ballet class?

What if's are driving you crazy lately, there are just too many of them and you aren't sure how to handle all of it.

When Beth comes out of the room she has tears on her eyes and she hugs you again, the same type of hugs she used to give you when she would wake up in the middle of the night because of a monster. You wonder what monster she found this time.

--

"Do you think you would like to change schools?" you ask her on the way home, she is five-thousand miles away and you have to repeat yourself twice before she answers.

"Switch to were?" she asks, her voice still distant but coming back slowly.

"Somewhere new, maybe with Sally and Lola?" you say slowly and let her run it around in her head a couple times.

She is so young and so grown up sometimes, like she knows how much this could change and is wondering if it would be considered running away. Allison always told her not to run away from her problems.

"Maybe" she answers, a few minutes later she tells you how she feel asleep in class three weeks ago and her teacher caught her. She tells you how she dreamed of Allison, how when she woke up she was crying and tired and her teacher didn't have the heart to get her in trouble.

You ask her if it would help any if you told her about all the good times you had with her mom, times before she was even an idea or when she was too little to remember.

She smiles and says yes.

You tell her that she can tell you anything.

She tells you the same thing.

**--**

**One more chapter. Please leave a thought on what you think. **

**If you haven't seen it yet, I would like to announce that there is a side story to this in Beth's P.O.V. titled 'Little Wishes'. **

**GabbyAbby**


	23. Impossible to Find

**Mutation**

**Chapter 22 Impossible to Find**

You tell your daughter how you met her mother.

You tell her Allison walked in one day for an interview you had no intention of having, but Cuddy had said you needed at least one girl on your team and you told her Chase was enough of a woman to have around, she didn't appreciate the joke. Neither did Chase.

Wilson was in your office with you, just in case you needed a witness for the sexual harassment lawsuit would most likely come your way. But then her mother walked in and you tell your daughter you were attracted to Allison. That she was beautiful and young and looked so good in the shirt she had on that day.

Your daughter laughs.

You tell her you hired her mother because you thought she was nice to look at and you daughter gives you the same look Allison gave you when you told her the same thing.

You tell you daughter that her mother worked under you for three and a half years and that for most of that you were deeply attracted to her, but you never did anything about it. You tell her, her mother kissed you, that you kissed back. You tell her the reason behind it and you can tell she isn't entirely happy about your little 'cancer maneuver'.

You tell her, her mother left your team to work in the E.R.

You tell her that her mother moved on, that she was engaged to someone else. You don't tell her it was Chase, because you still don't like admitting that you lost her to him back then.

You tell her that one day she was working on a case with you, that you kissed Allison before you could think better of it. You tell your daughter that's when you knew you loved her.

You tell your daughter that it wasn't easy to win her mother back that it took just over a year.

You tell your daughter that you loved her mother, that you miss her every single day.

That you there are so many things you could've done to change what happened that day.

Your daughter gets up and settles herself on your lap, hugging you with all the power in her little body and telling you with much more wisdom that a seven-year-old should have, that nothing could've changed that day.

You don't know how long you two sit there, with your arms around your daughter. To comfort her, to comfort yourself, to make sure she is real. That even if Allison isn't here anymore, that you are never going to wake up and see her sleeping next to you, there is a part of her still here. A part you both made together.

------

The next day it's your time to hear a story, you listen to your daughter tell you in a small whispered voice that she dreams of Allison every night, that she wakes up wanting the dreams to end but never stop. She wants to not have that reminder of her mom every day, but she wants to sleep all the time just to see her mother smile.

You listen to her, wanting nothing more than to take her in your arms, kiss her forehead and make it all better. But you know she needs to tell you this. So you let her.

And when she finishes you stroke her hair, and tell her you know how she feels.

But, as hard as it is, you both need to start letting go.

**-------------**

**Hopefully you like it, please review. **

**This story is coming to a close soon.**

**GabbyAbby**


	24. Thinking of You

**Mutation**

**Chapter 23 Thinking of You**

It isn't until you park your car on the parking lot that you notice you have only been here once, long ago when there was still sun and flowers.

Now the ground is cold and covered in snow, the grass is white almost and there are only the few fake flowers to give it any spark of color here or there. But you think that even if the sun was shinning and this place was full of people, it wouldn't make coming here any easier.

You don't think that coming here will ever be easy, because you already feel the tears burning your eyes and you have yet to even turn the car off.

"Ready Daddy?" you daughter asks, and you see her looking at you through the rearview mirror. She looks scared.

You unbuckle yourself and get out of the car, making sure to get a got grip on your cane because snow and your handicap have never gone hand-in-hand. But you still unbuckle your daughter from her car seat; she is so tiny that she has to use one. Even if just for the next year or so.

She walks in step with you, both of you are quiet. She takes your hand when you almost reach your destination, she takes slow deep breaths preparing herself for what is just around the corner.

"You remembered your letter?" you ask her as you come to a stop in front of your wife's grave. Snow is spread along the headstone, clinging to letters and numbers.

You don't want to be here.

"Yea" your daughter says, just above a whisper. You wonder if she is feeling what your feeling, like it's somehow wrong to be here. That this is still just so painful.

Your daughter looks up at you, her bangs just covering her eyes. Her knitted hat is pulled over her ears and her hair is a mess underneath it.

You squeeze her hand gently, letting her know that you are here, that you aren't leaving.

Her breath is shaky as she takes a few steps towards the grave.

"Hi Mommy" she says softly.

You are already brushing a tear from your cheek.

You know you are the one who suggested this, though she has been hinting at for a few days that she wanted come here. To come visit her mother, because you both are trying to work this out, on how you are going to move on. You know that this is a step in that direction, but it's still so hard.

Because inside you know that you still sometimes go to sleep and beg that all of this is a dream, that you are going to wake up and your wife is going to be next to you. Warm and beautiful and everything you ever dreamed of. And you still deep down inside, don't want to let go of that hope.

This is just so real, too real.

Your daughter takes her letter from her coat pocket, opening it slowly while trying to control her breathing.

"I wrote you a letter" she explains slowly, unfolding it "I know maybe you can't hear it, but I wanted to tell you this"

She looks down at the paper, holding it in two hands that are shaking just the slightest that it might be from the cold, but you know it isn't.

"I started ballet again, I'm not sure how much I still like it because it use to be our thing but I'm one of the best in my class and I know you would be proud of that. I start a new school after winter break, I know you always said that what other people say shouldn't matter, but it's kinda hard being at my old school right now. Because everyone knows what happened to you.

I'm gonna be in school with Lola and Sally, in the same class with them. It sounds like it's going to be fun" your daughter looks up at the grave, smiling weakly.

She takes a deep breath (you take one too) and continues "I miss you a lot Mommy, and I'm sure you miss me too. But I've been thinking that at least Lydia has you to take care of her now, she was too little to be alone.

Daddy and I miss you a lot Mommy, its hard not having you here when I wake up or go to sleep or come home from school, it's never going to be easy I think, but at least I have Daddy with me now.

I love you and miss you Mommy, I'll come back to visit a lot sooner next time"

Your daughter folds the letter again and puts it on her pocket, she is crying as well. She runs her gloved hand over her mother's name and whispers something you don't hear.

You walk to do the same, touching your wife's name through the snow.

"I will always love you" you say, your voice barely comes out.

You take your daughter's hand again, before bending down and kissing the top of her head.

"I love you honey"

"I love you too Daddy"

**------------**

**There might only be one more chapter. Sorry for the delay. **

**Please review!**


	25. Viva La Vida

**Mutation**

**Chapter 24 Viva La Vida**

You feel like you're dying, it's the only way you can describe the pain that curses through your body before everything goes dark.

Behind your eye lids you see your Elizabeth, like the day when you buried you wife. She is looking forward and not seeing anything, you want to reach out and touch her but you can't move and she keeps looking past you.

Her little voice swims around your head _'You promised'_.

------------------------

You wake up and instantly close your eyes; it is always so bright in hospital rooms.

"Daddy?" her voice is soft and laced with sleep, and you feel her body warm and tiny curled next to yours. You wonder how she was able to sneak in your room and fall asleep.

You open your eyes again, slowly and she's staring up at you like she's so glad you opened your eyes but angry that you closed them at all.

"You scared me" she says it like she is years older, like it's something she gets to hold over you from now on.

"I'm sorry" you stroke her hair, brushing the messy ringlets from her face.

She lays back down, letting you play with little strands of her hair making sure she's real. That you still have her left.

"We tried to capture a rainbow once" she says slowly, looking out at the window at the rain.

"You and Mommy?" you ask and she nods. Taking in a gentle breath she continues, she tells you that Allison took her to the park and there was a rainbow, she tells you that she felt like if she reached high enough she could brush her fingers over it.

She tells you that Allison picked her up and told her to close her eyes.

"Mommy asked me if I could feel it, the colors. And when I closed my eyes really tight I could. They were so warm against my fingertips" she opens her hand, spreading tiny fingers towards the ceiling and letting you see them, were the rainbow had touched.

You can see them, in the park their faces so alike. Your daughter in your wife's arms, reaching for something that you know it's impossible to catch. You can see their smiles.

"Then she held me really tight and she said I smelled just like the rainbow" she looks up at you and smiles "She said I smelled just like blue and purple and green and red. She hugged me so tight and sometimes when I'm really scared I feel like she's hugging me that tight again, I feel the rainbow on my fingers"

You know she is telling you this because it's what she wanted to feel when she was told you were in an accident too. What she wanted more than anything when she saw you here, asleep and half broken.

"Your mom was awesome like that" you tell her.

--------------

Your right leg is broken in two places and you dislocated three ribs, you had fifteen stitches on your arm and four pins put in your leg.

This all happened because it was cold, there was snow on the ground and your cane gave out when you were crossing through the parking lot and a car didn't see you.

You get to use a wheelchair for the next couple months and then you get to move up to crutches.

The good news is that you get three weeks off and a paid driver till you have full use of your leg again.

Your daughter promises Lisa that she will take good care of you, and though you think the thought is utterly adorable you know that both of you wish that Allison was there when you got home to make a fuss over this then completely ignore you when you want something.

You take your daughter's hand as Lisa talks about things you know better than she does about your recovery. You pull her body tight against your and take her smell in, feeling her desperately warm body against yours.

Outside there is a sliver of sunlight in the middle of winter, of hope you lost a long time ago.

Your daughter, who looks so much like her mother it makes your heart twist sometimes.

She smells like sunshine that hasn't been around for weeks, like cotton candy and childhood. She smells like blue and green and red and yellow. She smells like the rainbow she shared with her mother.

**---------------------**

**That's it. Thank you so much for everyone who kept up with this story and reviewed. **

**I might do an epilogue. **

**Thank you again.**

**GabbyAbby**


End file.
